adversity, or how cancer stalled my culinary dream

In 2008, at age the ripe age of 52, flush with a sufficient inheritance, I gave up the smoke and flames and sweat of a professional kitchen to travel the southern tier of states to learn as much as I could about a cuisine I felt was a part of my essence, something familiar. I learned a lot, met great cooks and chefs, ate far too much, fell in love with gumbo, and crawfish, and grits, and grits and shrimp. I ate grouper, and amberjack, and crabs in Georgia and Florida. My goal in having this gluttony of experieces, was to be able to return to the Pacific Northwest and put into play a company I named Seasonally Yours. I wanted to teach cooking classes, based on seasonal availability, for adults, children, and even families; do some small, intimate event catering, and, with old skills fined tuned from writing about everything on my trip, a bit of a freelance food writer and photographer.

During our five months on the road, traveling in an Fleetwood Jamboree, living in campgrounds and RV parks, cooking and tasting the most amazing food, I discovered what I chose to call then a mole that felt as if it had gone rogue. As soon as we returned home I had a biopsy done and was diagnosed with Stage 2B Melanoma.

I've had two surgeries, a year of thrice weekly Interfueron (chemotherapy) injections, more biopsies, more interfueron, and now should the need arise, a pill for possible future outbreaks. Something new for those of us who have the genetic marker for this type of cancer.

I have done as much preparation for my new incarnations in the culinary world as I could while living in the limbo that is active and moving cancer. I will, with luck, be able to start actively making my business a reality in the next few months. For nearly two years my health has been dead in the middle of the road to my having a thriving business up and running. Because of the cost of fighting cancer, my regular and retirement savings are nearly gone after not being able to hold a job during all this. Hence, this business will have to start on a shoe string.

How's that for adversity? And as much as adversity sucks, I think I may be stronger from the journey and the fight.

Regards,
Jai Carney
Portland, OR
"living like tomorrow was today"

can't take credit for it , but...

This came off a mom blog.

Last week my daughter came home from kindergarten wearing a large sticker proclaiming “Hugs! Not drugs.” I asked her what the sticker meant and she explained that she's now a member of D.A.R.E and that if people try to sell you drugs you should say, “No, thank you” and hug them. And while I appreciate the sentiment, I can’t help but thinking that snuggling with rejected drug dealers might not be the safest move for a kindergartner. I asked my daughter if she even knew what drugs were and she admitted that she wasn’t really paying attention but she thought they were “like bears, only smaller.” I think the point here is that the D.A.R.E. system is fundamentally flawed and that my child might need Ritalin.

Regardless, it is disconcerting that the information our children get about drugs is often wrong or lacking and it leaves them ill-equipped to make rational decisions about whether or not to do drugs and so I’ve created a small outline of the most popular drugs and their effects that you can share with your children. You’re welcome.

Remember, knowledge is power.

Cocaine. Cocaine will get you really high but can be quite expensive. It’s a white powdery substance made from the bones of crushed, tortured baby kittens. Snorting cocaine is like eating tuna made of murdered dolphins except worse because dolphins can’t hide in your shoes and end up on funny Internet videos. Cocaine is snorted through the nose, exactly like that weird kid in your class who snorts his milk through his nose and who no one likes to sit next to at lunch. So yeah. It’s that sexy.
Crack. Crack is just like cocaine except cheaper because it’s made out of kittens who died from contagious diseases. Unfortunately all the money you save buying crack will end up going toward medication though because crack causes herpes. Crack herpes. Some people will try to tell you that crack herpes isn’t as bad as regular herpes and they’re right. Because it’s worse.
Heroin. Heroin is one of the worst drugs around because it’s impossible to spell. It makes you really skinny and vaguely hot but sometime between the 1st and the 28th time you use it your genitals will fall right off. True story.
Marijuana. Marijuana is considered one of the least harmful drugs but it’s still something that should be avoided because it’s a gateway drug. It’s called a “gateway drug” because every time you smoke it the gateway to fairyland opens and a fairy is decapitated. Your fairy. And I know right now you’re probably thinking, “But I don’t even have a fairy” and that’s because when a fairy is murdered, all of the memories of that fairy are erased from the world and are replaced with unnecessary, mandatory algebra classes. If you have no memory of ever having a fairy and you’ve never done drugs, then it’s probably the result of second-hand smoke. This is why it’s important to stop your friends from doing marijuana. When you see a classmate lighting up, you should immediately stop them and explain that they are murdering fairies and inventing math classes and most likely they will stop immediately or at least stop hassling you to join in since you’re obviously on much better drugs than they are. Everyone wins. Except for all the fairies that you murdered.
PCP. PCP is more commonly called “fairy dust” because it’s made of the remains of decapitated fairies, you sick, sick bastard.
In conclusion, drugs are bad and if you use them your genitals will fall off and then we all end up having to take more math classes because of all the fairies you murdered. Also you should really never hug drug dealers because it's a bad idea to lean against people who carry dirty needles and also because crack herpes is highly contagious.

This is all just basic common sense, people.

Hawaii, 2010

WEDNESDAY

Arrived around noon. Got a car. Drove to Condo rental office and then to condo. Moved in. Went to the grocery store and got food, tacky beach towels, cheap sunglasses, Hana Bay Rum, and POG. A passion fruit, orange and guava juice that is very popular on the island. Back to the house and got grocery’s settled. Donna and Kim showed up and it was cocktail hour until our walk to the beach at sunset. Mango Absolute with POG. Hana Bay rum on ice and with the POG. Our first sunset at Kamaloe Beach Park was lovely. It was nice to get wet in water that was not too cold. No shells anywhere. Was a bit bummed about that. The girls ate at Fred’s Mexican Restaurant. I had Dos XX Amber. The three amigos went swimming in the pool and I put my foot up for a bit.

THURSDAY

Lazy morning..... watching the sun come up and looking out at the islands and the water and what sounds like rain that comes when palm fronds rub against each other in the wind. We had such great ocean views. Breakfast at Kehei Caffee. Local dish called a Loco Moco. It was a mound of fried rice with spam and peppers topped by a burger patty and two sunny side eggs. That whole thing was topped by brown gravy, Amazing. I will try and recreate it at home.

Made a stop at an outdoor craft market for fresh fruit. Bananas that were fat, small, and mild tasting. Very good stuff. Drove to Pa’ia. Very surprised that so much of the west side of the island is desert. Very dry and looking like New Mexico. Pa’ia is a sleepy little surf town with as many galleries and tacky beach stores as in Florida. Lunch at Cafe Mombo. Great Kailua Pork salad with dabs of tropical salsa and a light chile mayo dressing. Jenn had a burger she really liked and the fries that came with said burger were fabulous. Made reservations at Boss Frog’s for Friday’s snorkel adventure at Molokini Crater. Rented an underwater camera for the week. Used it once on the dive trip. Bought sun hats that we left at the condo for the folks who come after us.

FRIDAY

Early morning departure from the marina. When we got on board there was ultra fresh pineapple, melon, grapes, strawberries, mini muffins, pastry, and drinks waiting. Pretty good stuff, especially the pineapple. Not a long trip out to the reef but a nice boat ride all the same. By the time we got to Molokini there were at least a hundred people in the water. Most of the fish were staying down at the bottom and out of the way of the crazy splashing horde. Did see nice coral, some fish and got better pictures than when we were in the Bahamas. Headed to what they call Turtle Town next. Saw turtles, but again, all the splashing beasts kept them at the bottom. When they did come up for air, all the big men people splashed around too much and scared them back to the depths. But, I can now say I have seen a Green Sea Turtle in the ocean. Very interesting creatures.
Cocktails and lunch on the boat ride back to the harbor. Spent the evening at the condo eating cereal and being lazy. We were never night owls on this trip.

SATURDAY

Drove up the coast to Lahaina. The drive itself was worth the trip. Surfers, waves, azure ocean, paddle boarders, flowers, and a view of Molakai. Lahaina actually reminds me of Key West. Same kind of architecture. Food that day wasn’t the best. Stopped at Aloha Mixed Grill. I had coconut shrimp and caesar salad. The shrimp got left in the fryer too long and nothing more than an an average salad. Jenn had the Kailua pork grilled cheese. Too salty said she. I had what is now my favorite beer. Big Swell IPA made right on Maui. Also some called Bikini Blonde. Drove home thinking we would have dinner at Spago at the Four Seasons Resort, but nothing on the menu spoke to either one of us and we ended up with burgers from McDonalds and the best gelato ever. We found this place called Ono Gelato. Great flavors but my favorite turned out the be the Lilikoi Quark. A goat milk gelato with passion fruit. Amazing stuff. We both liked Sandy Beach. A peanut butter gelato with something that looked like sand and tasted like heaven on top. We ate a lot of it while we were there.

SUNDAY

A long one. The Road To Hana is the “don’t miss adventure” on the island according to locals. It took eight hours to drive (round trip) about a hundred miles. Lots of twists and turns in the road. Nearly 50 one lane bridges, and lots of 10 MPH speed zones. And then there is the time you take to check out what the locals are selling and stop for photo opportunities around every corner.

The east side of the island is far different than where we stayed in Kehei. It is what I had expected to see the minute I got off the plane. That scene from Blue Hawaii in which Elvis Presley’s character drives to empty beaches, and through vast fields of pineapples surrounded by green lushness in every direction. The west (desert) side of the island gets about 10 inches of rain a year while the road to Hana gets nearly 83 in the same time period. It was so lush. Bananas, passion fruit, berries, limes and who knows what else growing by the side of the road and free for the picking. Amazing flowers and bamboo forests that looked, from a distance, like giant buds of weed. There was rugged coastline, picturesque little villages, plenty of road side stands for coconut and island takes on a bunch of different kinds of food. My favorite that day was coconut fresh out of the shell. It was sweet, soft, buttery, and amazing. Never had anything like it.

Second favorite, the Kailua pork taco. Flavorful meat covered with coleslaw, black beans and salsa. Wanted to try another kind but the first one was so big I had to pass.

Third favorite food of the day was a Maui Gold pineapple all cut up and cleaned by the woman working the Huelo Farm’s stand. People receive room and board for work on the farm. They learn organic techniques to take away with them. Ain’t nothing wrong with having a beautiful place to live for a time as well.

MONDAY

Quiet day at the condo, enjoying the view. Movies..... with our new favorite crack. It’s Mauna Loa Milk Chocolate Toffee Macadamias. We did the last bits of laundry, cleaned up the condo, and did shopping for fish and more gelato. Donna and Kim came to dinner and I whipped up a meal that would have been $45 a plate in a restaurant for about $60 for the four of us.

The menu included:

Sesame and coconut crusted Ohno cooked on the grill. The fish was swimming that morning. Dips in the pool between turns of the fish!

A salsa made from passion fruit, mango, tomato, sweet maui onion, pineapple, the smallest bell peppers I’ve ever seen, a pinch of salt, and some of that passion orange guava juice. No heat or cilantro.

Little Romaine lettuce boats with Hana farm fresh cherry tomatoes and cucumbers in them. I drizzled them with a mix of this fabulous spice mix of sesame, herbs and toasted coconut, added a touch of mayo, a bit of soy sauce, a very small bit of salt and pepper, and EVOO. Too good to be just made up in my head like that.

Simple grilled, young, tender asparagus with oil, and S&P. The produce on the island is amazing!

Jenn was in charge of boiling the wild and white rice. Pretty good stuff.

Dessert was provided by Ono Gelato. Cheesecake, Sandy Beach, and goat milk and passion fruit. Swimming and cocktails at the pool followed dinner.

TUESDAY

Last half day in paradise. Packing, getting coconuts, a necklace for me, and macadamia nut Hershey’s kisses for a cupcake jenn wants to make. We tried to find these shortbread cookies we love but no luck. Got toffee macs in chocolate (aka crack) instead. Returned the rental car, went through a long check in at the airport. Agricultural screening for whatever it is that you can’t bring back to the mainland. A huge line at the baggage counter, same at security. We took our last hour sitting outside the gate looking at the green mountains.

The flight back to Portland was uneventful but uncomfortable. We paid extra for bulkhead seats but coach is still the pack them in like sardine section. The extra 8 inches of leg room, and no row in front of us was nice. Funny thing is Hawaiian still provides a meal in flight. On the way out it was a killer crustless spinach quiche and an tasty blueberry muffin. On the way back it was chicken pasta with mushrooms and a pretty good piece of chocolate cherry cake.

WEDNESDAY

It is good to be home. To have slept in my own bed, played with the dog, and cooked my favorite breakfast of just laid this morning over easy eggs on buttered toast topped with fresh from the garden tomato slices.

Time to rest and recharge and get on with my life post chemo.

Six Months Later....

Wow, I did not realize how long it's been since I tried writing anything besides a grocery list, a pop on Twitter or an entry on Facebook.

Not much has changed. I'm shooting myself up with drugs three times a week. I am still feeling good and then bad and then good again. Some days are lovely. Some, not so much so.

My test results keep coming back clean. The only hurdle is some anemia. I am tired more than not.

I have huge medical bills to pay.

So, there you have it... a short time in time to document where I am six months later than my last entry.

I wish I felt like writing more, but I don't.

There Comes A Time

In my life, there has been so much pain lately. Surgeries, blood tests, radioactive chemicals, and now chemo. There are moments where I can't face it head on and I cry. I feel bad when I shed tears because I am a warrior and and I am strong and I am not supposed to be afraid. i am always the strong one for those I love. I am always the one to come running when something happens. I have never been the one to need help. It is such a strange place, and even though it is temporary, I feel as though it's been going on forever.

I have had to face my fears on many occasions. When being left by someone I loved. When getting into trouble over drugs and wondering if there was a prison cell in my future. When I didn't know where the next bit of money for food was coming from. They all seem, now, to be such little things when compared to that word that starts with the BIG C. I have so much to do besides have surgeries, let them poke at me, push IV drips of things that can make you sick, and put me through more expensive machines.

Right now, I am supposed to be cooking and inventing and writing about food. I am supposed to be teaching and hosting dinner parties for money. I am supposed to be doing the things to develop this next incarnation of my career. I am not happy to be putting it on hold for a year for these treatments to all be over. But, it is what it is and I pray to the Great Spirit and the Ancestors that I can do both. Have my treatments, do my cooking, want to be creative in the kitchen and want to do more than hide in a corner and wait for it all to be over.

I will find my warrior spirit somewhere along this road and when I do things will be better and I will come out shiny on the other side. Until then, I will cry and feel bad and feel good and laugh at the chickens and try real hard not to drive off my girl by showing my insecurities and fears.

Wherever you are today, be grateful. Hard times, good times. Rich times, poor times. Healthy times, sick times. If you really believe that what does not kill you makes you stronger, there may be a whole lot of muscle coming your way.

Peace love and light people. I am on my way to finding a peaceful place in all of this stuff that scares me and pisses me off.

I am so very tired....

of fighting insurance companies, getting doctor's appointments that don't conflict with my partner's schedule and trying to figure out how to pay for the physical therapy that the insurance company says is not necessary. I am also paying people to come and clean, and do laundry and all the projects I wanted to get done myself before fall hit. Not much this summer is what I had on my schedule.

Cancer, my friends, can ruin that time of year when gardens get put in, painting gets done, camping trips happen, and the grill is the primary utensil for making food nearly every night. Instead of putting fish on the grill, here I sit with my leg propped up so as to keep the swelling down. Without the lymph nodes they took out, all the proteins and fluids are stuck and making me look like the elephant man touched my leg and gave me that hideous disease that scared the millions who saw him. NONE of my normal shoes fit and my crocs are starting to get a bit too tight as well.

Today I had to hire to a trainer to help me get my body moving again. More money that should be paid by the insurance company but isn't. It should not be called health insurance. It should be called, "only if we feel like it might contribute to your health insurance".

So, if any of you who never read this little piece happen to know how to get Live Strong, The American Cancer Society, The State of Oregon, or god forbid the Good old USA to help out with all these bills, and the ones yet to come for the poison they want to pump in me to make sure the beasties don't come back, please let me know. I could use some help from Franklin, Grant, Washington and Lincoln.

Let's face it, I'm tired and I believe I'll have another scotch and some painkillers and fall asleep in this chair so I can do it all over again tomorrow.

Bright side to my day... finding nearly every missing issue of Shaman's Tears at the comic book store and the bagel dog at Noah's. Little things, at this juncture in my life, are pretty precious.

Call Centers...

So, I've never really considered myself an isolationist. I believe in sharing the wealth all over the world. It is the right thing to do. These days, with the economy being what is, and unemployment being what it is, I have real issues with calling to do something about something in this country, and being taken care of by someone in the Philippines or India. With the understanding that salaries in those countries are low, and everyone in this country expects to make enough money every year to own a bentley and bling, I understand why jobs get shipped, but I also wonder if there isn't some compromise.

If corporations are required, by law, (which seems to be the only way to make big business responsible citizens of the world) to only outsource half of the jobs, would it make enough of a difference to stimulate spending and therefore the giant wheel that is our supply and demand economy? I would think so. Pay decent, but not astronomical wages to Americans. Really, does an auto worker who puts the same bolt in the same place day after day really need to make $80 an hour?

The other thing that needs to happens involves responsible networks not feeding the frenzy of, look at what this celeb is wearing, you need to have it too. I saw this kid, who just graduated from college with a business degree. He has some assumption that he should be making millions right now, out of the gate, not having to pay his dues at all. Where does this sense of entitlement come from? Oh, yeah, the TV that blares out at every living thing the mantra that you must have $700 shoes, $1,500 handbags, $350,000 cars and $3,500 watches in order to be called successful. You must be able to ride on private jets, drink Cristal, and throw yourself million dollar birthday parties. This is what we aspire to in this country. The old adage "Greed is Good" is alive and well in 21st century USA.

I am one of those people who think that you don't need all those things to be happy, and I am glad that some of us still exist. If kids coming out of high school and college expect to ride a gravy train things will never change. Mc Donald's will staffed with immigrants, Hotels will be cleaned by immigrants, and jobs will still get shipped to less blingy countries.

I have no idea how things will turn out in the greater world, but I will be living my politics by growing much of my own food, raising chickens for eggs, buying used things as much as possible, and living simply. I wish more of the people in this country felt the same way.