There Comes A Time

In my life, there has been so much pain lately. Surgeries, blood tests, radioactive chemicals, and now chemo. There are moments where I can't face it head on and I cry. I feel bad when I shed tears because I am a warrior and and I am strong and I am not supposed to be afraid. i am always the strong one for those I love. I am always the one to come running when something happens. I have never been the one to need help. It is such a strange place, and even though it is temporary, I feel as though it's been going on forever.

I have had to face my fears on many occasions. When being left by someone I loved. When getting into trouble over drugs and wondering if there was a prison cell in my future. When I didn't know where the next bit of money for food was coming from. They all seem, now, to be such little things when compared to that word that starts with the BIG C. I have so much to do besides have surgeries, let them poke at me, push IV drips of things that can make you sick, and put me through more expensive machines.

Right now, I am supposed to be cooking and inventing and writing about food. I am supposed to be teaching and hosting dinner parties for money. I am supposed to be doing the things to develop this next incarnation of my career. I am not happy to be putting it on hold for a year for these treatments to all be over. But, it is what it is and I pray to the Great Spirit and the Ancestors that I can do both. Have my treatments, do my cooking, want to be creative in the kitchen and want to do more than hide in a corner and wait for it all to be over.

I will find my warrior spirit somewhere along this road and when I do things will be better and I will come out shiny on the other side. Until then, I will cry and feel bad and feel good and laugh at the chickens and try real hard not to drive off my girl by showing my insecurities and fears.

Wherever you are today, be grateful. Hard times, good times. Rich times, poor times. Healthy times, sick times. If you really believe that what does not kill you makes you stronger, there may be a whole lot of muscle coming your way.

Peace love and light people. I am on my way to finding a peaceful place in all of this stuff that scares me and pisses me off.